Funny Food For Thought
November 27, 2009 by admin
Filed under Features, Food for Thought, Fun, Main Content, Misc. Mirth
Image Credit: Anne Taintor
And now a word from a Dreadful Domesticated Damsel in Distress and Kooky Kitchen Klutz, Hermione Catastrophe (who thankfully has never been asked to contribute a recipe to the James Bay Beacon Newspaper, but who if asked, would respond as follows)
Dear Friends of Food,
I sincerely appreciate your invitation to join your recipe exchange list.
Regretably living alone does not inspire an undomesticated feline like me to cook, let alone consume too much of what I am obliged to make in order to sustain myself on planet earth.
If truth be told, I find myself considering options like pitted prunes and a jolt of java for breakfast. They represent an affordable, convenient, and easy-to-open source of food — a healthy snack that keeps one regular and a hot beverage to wash them down.
As for lunch – I try to go out for a bit of a perambulation around my part of the hood, and often check out modestly priced places that offer a bowl of soup and/or a sandwich. Though I do consider myself a slightly adventurous person, I try to avoid exotic dishes whenever possible be it pickled pigs toes, chocolate covered ants, or grilled road kill from the badlands of Alberta.
And for dinner — well, sometimes it involves waiting for an invitation to a free wine tasting plus some appies all of which can be found my neighborhood. More often than not, I adore indulging in a "bran new me" — whether it’s a big bowl of flakes or satisfying hot bowl of oatmeal porridge with a light topping of whipping cream, (the one that supposed to give your cholesterol a hell of a ride).
So, you can see that my tastes in food are rather simple, while my talent for cooking almost non-existent. I attribute this to the fact that during puberty, I failed several important home ec[onomics] courses — cooking (though I did pass the porridge test), and sewing (on a treddle machine, but now since I can’t see well enough to thread a needle, I use carpet tape with glue on both sides to hem my clothes…the few that still fit me of course, although they say "sack dresses" are coming back in style…thank God).
Again, thank you for your thoughtful invitation to join what I am sure promises to be a great opportunity to share some culinary delights. Which reminds me, I must have a word with the Fuck-up Fairy or the Goddess of Glitch to request that perhaps they consider adding a gourmet cooking gene to my DNA when I’m reincarnated…what do you mean you don’t think cats have nine lives?
Best regards from one who simply hates to cook unless my fate depends on it,
The catastrophic culinary clunker
