Happy Birthday to Sassy Seagoats!

2010 has already begun and all our snickering sun signs want to know what’s store for them?

2010 is the "Year of the Tiger", according to the Chinese astrological calendar. And if you don’t usually hang out with a Tiger unless you’re watching the golf channel, then maybe you’d like to celebrate 2010 "International Year of Communications", "International Year for the Rapprochment of Cultures", "International Year of Biodiversity", or "International Year of the Nurse".

And a very big Happy Birthday to all you Crazy Capricorns who love colorful food, presents wrapped in magical paper, and membership in exclusive clubs. But, whatever you do, never accuse them of being untidy, make them feel useless, or embarrass them in public or you may live to regret ever having encountered this rather ripsnorting ruminant!

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
You’ll need all the help you can get this year. Your best bet is to grab a tiger by the tail. On the other hand, maybe a stuffed pussy cat is a whole lot safer for a ram like you. Failing that, you could take up knitting, (along with 60 million other Americans), and learn how to do the subversive cross-stitch not to mention make nice nose or willie warmers.

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
This is your year to shine in the fast lane of life. Your best bet is to forget about munching grass on the golf course this year. Frankly, you really don’t want to mess with a tee’d off Tiger do you? Why not befriend a Whatnottian Warthog, NowWhattian Boghog, or a Wassup Wunderkin — blessed be diversity! "

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
Since you have an insatiable curiosity about everything, and adore getting your fingers into all manner of strange things, why not explore far-flung places like the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe" which is featuring Ripsnorting Roadkill this month – barbecued boghogs or Perfectly Normal Beasts…large charging sort of animals, a bit like cows, bulls or buffalos that are perfectly safe to swallow.

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)
Being a crab in the "Year of the Tiger" is a pretty scary thing as you’re most likely to be consumed by this crafty critter for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you could end up being featured in next month’s Ripsnorting Roadkill menu at the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe". At least learn to pray for your salvation, The Big Bopper may take pity on you.

LEO (23 July – 22 August)
Being in the limelight and showing off is right up your alley, along with complaining about not getting enough strokes from funny folks. But this year is different, you’ll have to take a backseat to a sometimes surly if not striped species. What do you mean you don’t want to share the stage with Tony the Tiger? Have another bowl of frosted flakes and kindly shut up!

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
Being an earthy sort, you’re going to get along just fine with all tigers running around on your back forty this year. Who better than you to organize a terrific Tiger Tooth party. Don’t forget to invite all the Eyore eyesores and William wet-blankets you know, your guest of honor will enjoy the opportunity to feast upon them.

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
Being the "windbag of the universe" has certain advantages, and this year is no exception. This is an excellent time to write a profound "Think and Do Book" in honor of the Tiger…yes, that truculent toed type whom you would like to banish to the nearest zoo. Suck it up, show some tact, and say something nice for change airhead!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
The good news this year is that astronomers have finally recognized that all the problems of the universe can be laid squarely at the feet of Pluto, the powerhouse behind your sassy sun sign. The bad news is that since the Easter Bunny and Great Pumpkin are on holidays this year, you’re pretty much on your own…up shit creek without a paddle or a canoe and a damn tiger on your tail!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November – 22 December)
Besides boring barnyard animals with your endless stream of questions, you also have a knack for fluffing the punchline of jokes which will, unfortunately, not endear you to the star of this year’s barnyard birthday party, the Tiger. Toss your tactless traits and cutting sarcasm, and share your favorite teddy bear, beer or blanket with a Tiger for pity’s sake!

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
Thank goodness this birthday babe or boy has harmonious relationships with heffalumps. However the same cannot be said of Tigers. The bad news is your slave-driving, status-seeking seagoat behavior, not to mention your tendency to believe that your way is always the best is likely to offend the Tiger…and you don’t want that do you!

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
You’re going to have to expand your friendships this year beyond the ususal water-carrier wet-blankets who gather around you. Being a fixed air sign of the zodiac, you’re prone to paragliding and paradiddling when the spirit moves you. Beware of wayward winds emanating from feistry, four-legged furry things with stripes, they can be deadly!

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What’s In Store For Nutty November?

Image Credit: Scorpio image at AllPosters.com

By Daphne Druthers, an amusing astrologer with a witty if not wonky view of life

Well, this month everyone will be pleased to know that sultry, secretive Scorpio is swimming in her own gene pool for a change,(which means the rest of us can dog-paddle to our heart’s content!)

Overall, Pluto moving into Capricorn (2008-2023) is going to mean a few fireworks…and the big picture will never be the same again…yee-haw!

Aries (21 March – 19 April)
Your ambition to become top dog is laudable, but this month you might want to let sleeping dogs lie. Remember, never take your boss’s bone unless you want to spend the rest of your life in a very dilapidated dog-house.

Taurus (20 April – 20 May)
Clearly bulls don’t give a sweet tweet about china shops or matadors for that matter. This month when things are coming to a head, don’t waste your time trying to be sitting bull in a bear market, it’s bad for your health and happiness. Change your strategy and become a raging bull in a briar patch!

Gemini (21 May – 20 June)
Since you have a quick mind, are nimble on your feet and capable of speaking out of both sides of your mouth at the same time, have you ever considered a career change to become knife-throwing circus clown or a back-stabbing politician? Don’t jeapardize this odd opportunity of a lifetime!

Cancer (21 June – 22 July)
You’ve been juggling a lot of balls in the air lately which is great if you’re in the baking, catering, or confectionary business…or heaven forbid, the circus. But, as fate would have it, you’re likely to drop them when you really shouldn’t. So, wipe those tears away and befriend a crab or turtle this month. After all, it’s better than going into the garden and eating worms isn’t it?

Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Leo is not known to pout or use a pity pot like the rest of the zodiac’s unusual inhabitants like bog hogs and heffalumps. So, if you need to show off this month and let your mane down, feel free to do so you frisky feline! Just do it in the right place at the right time with the right partner…(aren’t you glad that all the ghouls and gargoyles have decided to take a long winter’s nap!)

Virgo (23 August – 22 September)
Since 2005, you’ve been playing in a new sandbox, creating a new world and a new identity for yourself besides the familiar cranky, irritable dogmatic and untidy creature that everyone tries to avoid. Hmmm…do you really think it’s a good idea to dance naked in front of your neighbor’s parrot, or paint your house pink with purple poka dots? Your addition of naughty garden gnomes to your garden may be a friendly gesture, but toss the plastic petunias the birds and bees are complaining!

Libra (23 September – 22 October)
You’ve been getting a little rebellious lately…that’s really strange coming from someone who knows all about being fearful, lazy, overbearing and self-centered. Time to put your pet-peeves aside and join the Meditative Munching & Navel-Gazing Society to work out the kinks in your argumentative, fickle, narcissistic and life!

Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)
Yup, it’s time to take a deep dive into your own gene pool for a change …and quit complaining about the temperature for pity’s sake. By the way, why not enjoy the opportunity to prance around in your birthday suit this month…just remember to see who is in the peanut gallery before you doff your duds! On second thought, scratch swimming around in frigging pool, consider taking in a champagne bath where you can blow all your troubles (or bubbles) away.

Saggitarius (21 November – 22 December)
Life is all about falling off a horse and getting right back up on it again. So, forget about demanding to see the horse’s teeth before you saddle up and buy him. Let’s face it, you’re no Lady Godiva…perhaps it’s better you just dig into a box of chocolates and add a few more calories to your colourful personality.

Capricorn (22 December – 19 January)
It’s regrettable that your educational trip to the local landfill didn’t pan out last month. Your quiet, unflappable nature will undoubtedly come in handy when fighting alligators in the swamp at work or crocadiles in the quagmire at home (which will be the only form of entertaining exercise you’ll get this month — yee-haw!)

Aquarius (20 January – 18 February)
If you want to be the captain of your own fate and master of your soul, you’re going to have to learn to paddle upstream without an oar or a canoe not to mention a handy-dandy life-jacket. On second thought, since you’re a bit of an airhead, maybe it’s time to take a ride in a hot-air ballon. But you can forget about demanding a golden parachute, just grab the nearest bumbershoot to cushion your crash landing!

Zodiac Zonkers – It’s Outrageous October!

By Daphne Druthers, an amusing astrologer with way too much time on her hands 

Image Credit: Poison Tart at flickr.com

Who The Heck Is Daphne Druthers?

WHO THE HECK IS DAPHNE DRUTHERS? 

Hilarious Humorscopes – August

Image Credit: therussians!!![at]flickr.com

Okay, so you haven’t got a hot clue about how to read tea leaves, tarot cards, or the enigmatic entrails of strange animals including amusing ardvaarks, disgruntled dodo birds, or belligerent boghogs. But fess up, every now and then, you really do glance furtively at your horoscope don’t you?

Daphne Druthers, (author and co-founder of the "Astroblast Friends Network") shares her zodiac zonking insights in what makes this month mirthful and truly dysFUNctional! Advice given in this column should be taken with either a grain of salt, a dash of Tabasco Brand hot pepper sauce/Worcester sauce mixed with vodka on ice (minus that wimpy celery stalk and wedge of left-over lime), or a shot of virgin Clamato juice on the rocks!

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
The good news is that you share the same sun sign as a world-renowned muscian named J.S. Bach. The bad news is he’s deader than a door nail and he’d probably roll over in his grave if he knew you hadn’t a hot clue about his "Well-Tempered Clavier" or "The Art of the Fugue" let alone how to maintain an organ or play a harpsicord. On the other hand, you’d be pleased to know that he was "incompletely successful" like you, (he failed an audition for an organist’s post at Sangerhausen), while you are destined to bungle, botch up, and be the butt of every joke in town this month. Whoever said life’s a picnic got it wrong…what a bummer!

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
Aren’t you glad that you share a sun sign, not to mention an abiding interest in flakes and nuts, with a famous person like Sigmund Freud? That probably accounts for why you’re boring, insensitive, obstinate, materialistic, slow-moving, self-indulgent and prone to sitting far too long in front of pondering pools trying to figure out how to get out of the rut you’re in or whether you should pick up a bottle of "Raging Bull" wine for dinner. This month your usual artistic flair, good sense of time, and gentle placid demeanor will backfire. Avoid china shops, red flags, and opinionated oxen at all costs. Cheer up, things could be a lot worse!

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
Like Queen Victoria, with whom you share a scintillating sun sign, you are not amused with life or "the whole ball of wax", nor do you like wasting time, listening to endless complaints and being kept waiting, any more than you do being left alone in the dark, stranded up the creek without a paddle, or having to concentrate on only one thing for a long time which frankly boggles your munchkin mind. The good news it’s a great month for working on a problem. After all, you’re fantastic when it comes to making mountains out of molehills! Oh the joys of being the most impractical, impatient and irritable sign of the zany zodiac!!

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)
You’ll be pleased to know that you and one of the major fiction writers of the 20th century, Franz Kafka, both share the same sun sign and an apparent interest in the hopelessness and absurdity of life as a cranky crab. Aren’t you glad you don’t suffer from clinical depression and social anxiety not to mention migraines, insomnia, constipation, boils, and other ailments, all usually brought on by excessive stresses associated with the metaphysical quest for God? Exercise your sense of curiosity like Kafka; try dating a Beach Bunny or Summer Santa. By the way, watch out for all those marvellous margaritas…they’re wicked when wet!

LEO (23 July – 22 August)
Oh joy, you share the same sun sign as that famous feline finagler, cunning clothing-optional character, and sexy, 20th century super-spy, "Mata Hari". This probably accounts for why you have a keen interest in baubles, bangles, beads and bejewelled bras. Now if only you could tone down your tendency to cut off others at the knees, refrain from taking undue credit for the work of others, and quit sulking when you don’t get your way, the rest of the dirty rascals in the barnyard of life might atually hang out with you and let you in on how to play "Kick the Can" this month. Whatever you do, wear yellow and orange and you’ll be a cool cat!

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
You share a good deal in common with Greta Garbo, the Swedish-born 20th century silent-film actress. You’re both entertaining enigmas and inscrutable, intriguing figures who adore bats, porcupines and mink with a tendency to be dogmatic, untidy, and a tad eccentric but always the wise investor. The good news is that this month, like Greta, you’ll be taking long walks through the streets of some big city, dressed casually and wearing large sunglasses doing who knows what. The bad news is that you’ll be hounded not by the papparazzi but by a man in blue issuing you a summons for jay-walking. Tsk, tsk…shame on you!

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
While some see Libra as an "airhead" or worse yet, a "hot-air" enthusiast, take heart because you share the spotlight with a famous fellow sun sign, the 19th century Irish author, playwright and poet, Oscar Wilde. And, as the witty wordsmith says, "Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much". So, this month, you’re going to send all your foes and nemeses an amusing arrangement of colorful, long-stemmed plastic roses or a beautiful bouquet of dried (dreadfully dead) flowers with an accompanying sincere, tersely worded apology printed with the hand of a five-year old on a garrish pink post-it-note. Oh what fun!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
As the French satirist Voltaire once said: "The opportunity for doing mischief is found a hundred times a day, and of doing good once in a year." And since both of you were born under the Scorpio sun sign, and agree that mischief makes the world go round, it’s definitely time to engage in a few pranks if not prick a few balloons. Forget about the "whoopee cushion"; few folks sit down long enough these days to make it fun! How about that rubber worm in that fresh garden green salad to freak out those vegetarians? If that doesn’t work, invite friends over and serve them roasted rubber chicken and heffalulump hobs. Only 98 to go!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November – 22 December)
Like your fellow sun sign says: "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way" — Mark Twain, the 19th century American writer and humorist. This suggests that firing a bow and arrow on horseback can be dangerous if one is hot-headed, as well as blundering and inept, which is often the case with Saggitarians. The good news is that you’re going on an adventure and can take your teddy bear along. The bad news is that you’re going to come back with bumps, buises and cuts because you won’t sit still long enough to put on a hard-hat, steel-toed boots and a safety harness. Poor little widdums.

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
Capricorn is most often associated with the goat or the donkey. You share the same sun sign as Edgar Allan Poe, the 19th century American writer, poet, editor and literary critic. Your keen interest in horror and humor not to mention mystery and the macabre makes you a bit of a "mad genius" (which is probably fine because most folks don’t know how to handle your gloomy grimmaces, your general ennui about the life of a gnat, not to mention your tendency to believe that your way is always the best way to fillet a fish or skin a rabbit). This month you’ll be joining Eeyore in the annual summer scavenger hunt to find his wretched tail.

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
You’re the "water carrier" sign, like Jules Verne, the 19th century science-fiction novelist who wrote "20,000 Leagues under the Sea". It’s also probably why you’re constantly complaining about the weather — which is always too hot, too cold, too humid or too dry for your comfort. No wonder you spend most of your life crying out loud in the wilderness that’s too wet, crying in your beer that’s too warm, or crying over spilled milk and cold porridge. This month you’re gonna stop snivelling, suck it up, and smile even if it kills you Snookums! So, how about a ripsnorting round of croquet, tiddlywinks, and hop-scotch to get you off your butt?

PISCES (19 February – 20 March)
The good news is that you have a lot in common with Michelangelo, the 16th century Italian Renaissance painter, sculptor, architect, poet, and engineer. The bad news is that you’re a fish out of water when it comes to art, (unless of course you count doodling or painting by numbers as art). While you excel at connecting the dots, your dotting of i’s and crossing t’s leaves a lot to be desired, and throwing a hammer isn’t a skill unless you’re a Scotsman. So this month you’ll be spending most of it outdoors: responding to the call of nature in the woods, improving your rosk-frosting skills, or learning how to dig a one-sit hole in the bush!