Happy Birthday to Sassy Seagoats!

2010 has already begun and all our snickering sun signs want to know what’s store for them?

2010 is the "Year of the Tiger", according to the Chinese astrological calendar. And if you don’t usually hang out with a Tiger unless you’re watching the golf channel, then maybe you’d like to celebrate 2010 "International Year of Communications", "International Year for the Rapprochment of Cultures", "International Year of Biodiversity", or "International Year of the Nurse".

And a very big Happy Birthday to all you Crazy Capricorns who love colorful food, presents wrapped in magical paper, and membership in exclusive clubs. But, whatever you do, never accuse them of being untidy, make them feel useless, or embarrass them in public or you may live to regret ever having encountered this rather ripsnorting ruminant!

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
You’ll need all the help you can get this year. Your best bet is to grab a tiger by the tail. On the other hand, maybe a stuffed pussy cat is a whole lot safer for a ram like you. Failing that, you could take up knitting, (along with 60 million other Americans), and learn how to do the subversive cross-stitch not to mention make nice nose or willie warmers.

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
This is your year to shine in the fast lane of life. Your best bet is to forget about munching grass on the golf course this year. Frankly, you really don’t want to mess with a tee’d off Tiger do you? Why not befriend a Whatnottian Warthog, NowWhattian Boghog, or a Wassup Wunderkin — blessed be diversity! "

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
Since you have an insatiable curiosity about everything, and adore getting your fingers into all manner of strange things, why not explore far-flung places like the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe" which is featuring Ripsnorting Roadkill this month – barbecued boghogs or Perfectly Normal Beasts…large charging sort of animals, a bit like cows, bulls or buffalos that are perfectly safe to swallow.

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)
Being a crab in the "Year of the Tiger" is a pretty scary thing as you’re most likely to be consumed by this crafty critter for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you could end up being featured in next month’s Ripsnorting Roadkill menu at the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe". At least learn to pray for your salvation, The Big Bopper may take pity on you.

LEO (23 July – 22 August)
Being in the limelight and showing off is right up your alley, along with complaining about not getting enough strokes from funny folks. But this year is different, you’ll have to take a backseat to a sometimes surly if not striped species. What do you mean you don’t want to share the stage with Tony the Tiger? Have another bowl of frosted flakes and kindly shut up!

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
Being an earthy sort, you’re going to get along just fine with all tigers running around on your back forty this year. Who better than you to organize a terrific Tiger Tooth party. Don’t forget to invite all the Eyore eyesores and William wet-blankets you know, your guest of honor will enjoy the opportunity to feast upon them.

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
Being the "windbag of the universe" has certain advantages, and this year is no exception. This is an excellent time to write a profound "Think and Do Book" in honor of the Tiger…yes, that truculent toed type whom you would like to banish to the nearest zoo. Suck it up, show some tact, and say something nice for change airhead!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
The good news this year is that astronomers have finally recognized that all the problems of the universe can be laid squarely at the feet of Pluto, the powerhouse behind your sassy sun sign. The bad news is that since the Easter Bunny and Great Pumpkin are on holidays this year, you’re pretty much on your own…up shit creek without a paddle or a canoe and a damn tiger on your tail!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November – 22 December)
Besides boring barnyard animals with your endless stream of questions, you also have a knack for fluffing the punchline of jokes which will, unfortunately, not endear you to the star of this year’s barnyard birthday party, the Tiger. Toss your tactless traits and cutting sarcasm, and share your favorite teddy bear, beer or blanket with a Tiger for pity’s sake!

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
Thank goodness this birthday babe or boy has harmonious relationships with heffalumps. However the same cannot be said of Tigers. The bad news is your slave-driving, status-seeking seagoat behavior, not to mention your tendency to believe that your way is always the best is likely to offend the Tiger…and you don’t want that do you!

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
You’re going to have to expand your friendships this year beyond the ususal water-carrier wet-blankets who gather around you. Being a fixed air sign of the zodiac, you’re prone to paragliding and paradiddling when the spirit moves you. Beware of wayward winds emanating from feistry, four-legged furry things with stripes, they can be deadly!

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