Image Credit: Anne Taintor

And now a word from a Dreadful Domesticated Damsel in Distress and Kooky Kitchen Klutz, Hermione Catastrophe (who thankfully has never been asked to contribute a recipe to the James Bay Beacon Newspaper, but who if asked, would respond as follows)

Dear Friends of Food,

I sincerely appreciate your invitation to join your recipe exchange list. 

Frankly, what’s not to like about lying back on a couch without a crazy counsellor in sight just sipping the subtle taste of a ripsnorting red or wacky white wine — made by the fruity folks from Therapy Vineyards in Naramata, British Columbia!

Yup, at Sips Artisan Bistro and Spinnakers Wine Merchants, you’ve got plenty to choose from:

Pink Freud (2008) — Freudian Sip (2008) — Freud’s Ego (2007) and SuperEgo (2007)

And, on Wednesday, November 4, 2009 from 2-4 pm…you won’t need an appointment to partake in this pleasant bit of free Therapy on the house. Guess what guys and gals, no one will mind if you dare to ask all the questions your little heart desires at this wonderful wine tasting event.

Oh and by the way, if you’re looking for someone to interpret your dreams…who knows, you might even find that special someone with white whiskers and a rustic red suit in the crowd! If not, keep your eyes peeled for those other merry males sipping merlot with members of James Bay’s one and only Wicked Wench Club (who are always seeking someone sexy to peel them a grape if you please!)

GHOSTS

By all accounts, there are plenty of ghosts to go around in James Bay. These amusing apparitions often make their appearance known to custodial staff hoping to catch a bit of shut-eye on the graveyard shift, individuals suffering from insomnia out for a midnight stroll, or imbibing imps inhabiting certain neighborhood parks where they expect to enjoy a few short snorts and snooze until the following morning.

However, due to severe budget cuts in the area of government transparency and Vital Statistics, the provincial authorities are no longer prepared to invest in services for seniors or the measurement of invisible incorporeal beings. Regretably, the federal government does not keep track of phantom figures whether in the budget or in  the population Census, so it is difficult to determine exactly how many ghosts make James Bay their home.

Judging from the number of ghost tours organized in the neighborhood of late, one might surmise that these spunky spirits tend to frequent happily haunted places such as the Gatsby Mansion Restaurant, the James Bay Inn, and Helmecken House (all of which are popular tourist traps).

GOBLINS

Goblins are mythical, mischievous munchins. Research reveals that the source of their dreadful dispositions may be attributed to the fact that Noah declined to offer them a spot on his ark to escape a frigging flood because they didn’t have cachet or strong collateral let alone impressive ivy-league credentials and an impeccable credit-rating.

As a consequence, it’s not surprising that these dreadfully-dressed diminutive damsels and dudes with extraordinarily large ears or long tails have resorted to wandering about puffing on pipes or cigarettes and finding temporary accommodation in mossy cracks in rocks and tree roots, while local politicians decide how to build a spanking new state-of-the-art multimillion suspension bridge for them live under, together with other dispossessed demons including ogres, trolls, and kelpies. 

Goblins come in any colour, but most prefer hideous hues such as green or brown. This is a handy thing to know, especially for the tree-huggers who are really keen on saving these environmentally-friendly endangered species, as opposed to the Sasquatch and Cadborsaurus (who although rarely seen aren’t worth saving because the latter critters can’t abide tipplers, tourists or tree-huggers).

Image Credit: Tony DiTerlizzi.com

It is difficult to estimate the number of goblins who frequent the neighborhood. Some are said to find the wet west coast winter climate to their liking, while others choose to drop by on an itinerant basis, particularly on Halloween.

Judging from the number of ghastly and sometimes giggling goblins appearing at the front door of the neighborhood’s 7,338 private dwellings on October 31 each year, it would appear that these entertaining elf-like creatures are more than welcome in James Bay, (in contrast to bogeymen who inhabit the lawns of legislature during political protests and bugbears who hang out in the loos where they enjoy frightening the knickers, briefs, or pants off humorless homo sapiens).

GRANNIES

Image Credit: J.W. Wagner, Hallmark Cards (Maxine.com)

According to official population statistics from the 2006 Census, the James Bay neighborhood is home to the highest proportion of grannies (grumpy or otherwise) in all of Victoria.

According to the James Bay Community Project, the medical clinic currently provides care to more than 2,650 patients, of whom 700 are over the age of 75. Due to patient confidentiality, they are not permitted to release the total number of grumpy grannies under the care of their physicians.

Image Credit: J.W. Wagner, Hallmark Cards (Maxine.com)

As entertaining elders of the tribe, grannies are given a wide berth…even wider on Halloween. Grumpy grannies, which comprise the largest suck-it-up segment of the experentially-enhanced population, are easy to spot. They’re the ones who think "trick-or-treaters are so cute…imagine them coming to my door expecting to get something for free."  

Image Credit: J.W. Wagner, Hallmark Cards (Maxine.com)

These boisterous biddies are more often than not given to hooting and howling on Halloween. After all, it’s the only legal time of the year they’re are entitled to do so, without someone suggesting that they be confined to a "supported living" residence with padlocked doors and windows!