Happy Birthday to the Wackiest Water-Bearing Wunderkin in the World!

 

This month it’s time for pucker-power people to capitalize on amusing arm candy, curious candy kisses, and oodles of cheeky chocolate chewies…so get rid of that godawful gum, kick up your heels and enjoy yourself for pity’s sake!

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
Oh yoo hoo…"Ram-a-dama-a-ding", is anyone home? Get with the program will you! Okay, so goats can become a wee bit harsh and nasty if their fragile egos are threatened, are perhaps a tad jealous of other people’s abilities and achievements, and often have friends that don’t last too long. Get over it! Suck it up…cause this month it’s time to dress for success in your knightly armour (or powder puff outfit), jump on a trusty steed (or a Smart car), and find a fair lady/damsel-in-distress worth saving (or a frog worth kissing whatever the case may be).

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
The "Year of the Ox" means that you should probably avoid hanging out in china shops hoping to bump into a "Cowabunga Cutie" with disasterous consquences. Just accept with grace the fact that you’re a boring beast with a "bull-headed" nature, which is why you should wake up and smell the roses, put on your rose-colored glasses, crank up the melodious music and play on the back forty with the deer and the antelope!

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
Let’s face it, where would you be without your cell phone, two-way talking wrist-watch, or your twitter text messaging Blackberry? Up the creek without a paddle…a fate worse than death, that’s what. The consummate gabbing guru/goddess…you could sweet-talk that sassy serpent out of any apple you wanted. Quit complaining about having to bob for apples…just find someone who’s sweet as apple pie to keep you company on February 14th!

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)
So what if you’re a cranky, crab-faced crustacean with long arms and legs who dribbles food or drinks even when past babyhood. The good news is that you don’t like being in the limelight, enjoy your own company for hours on end, and adore inventing invisible playmates who never give you any grief. All of which means that your best bet for Valentine’s this year is to host a tea party for all your invisible friends, play a game of tiddlywinks, and toss that ridiculous bib…it doesn’t become you!

LEO (23 July – 22 August)
You may be thinking that Valentine’s Day entitles you to the lion’s share of all those dashing dudes or lovely ladies hanging out at your local watering hole. However, you might be well advised to rest, relax, and take a long cat-nap because this year it’s a Cowabunga Cutie who has center stage. Love may be a many-splendored thing, but you should take a pass this year…unless you adore stepping in a whole lot of cowpies!

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
Did you know that your Tarot card is "the hermit"? That probably explains why you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day home alone, probably enjoying a bit of platonic flirtation with yourself in the mirror, and leafing through your bedside library to find an informative book on sex because you dearly want to understand the finer details of self-improvement and fertility not to mention the pros and cons of getting involved with anyone who doesn’t appreciate your notion of duty with devotion.

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
Although you’re not overly-fond of vigorous sweaty exercises, terrified of being alone, and see yourself as the ugly duckling of the fairy tale, the good news is that your narcissistic, indecisive, and sulky disposition is unlikely to attract admirers, (unless they have deep pockets, good social or business connections and are willing to let you grow into a swan on the long-term installment plan). So, forget about being an "ugly ducking"…be a glow-worm instead and let your lovely light shine!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
Since Venus is in Aries, it’s time for Spunky Scorpion to strut their stuff rather than waiting for love to knock on your frigging door! In your case, that means taking a break from the rat race, indulging yourself in a bit of self-love, surrounding yourself with creature comforts, and pampering your Pluto self to smithereens! Make sure you stock your goody bag with your favorite melt-in-your-mouth liqueur-flavored chocolates!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November – 22 December)
Okay, so we know that Cupid is your idol. But let’s face it, you haven’t exactly been on target with your bow and arrow lately (especially in the love department). So Tin-Man, frankly it’s time to put your spurs on, get into the saddle again, and jump back up onto your hobby horse! Whatever you do, steer clear of any possessive people, conservative thinkers, and boldless bureaucrats, they will not make your heart go pitty-pat. Don’t forget to smile so your smooch-inclined soul-mate can find you!

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
The good news is that Venus is in your communications sector and Mars is in Capricorn, your "me" sector. All of which means that you have a winsome way with words (which means you won’t be making the same mistake as last year when you wrote that loopy love letter to that nerdy next-door neighbor). And, since firey Mars is sending up fireworks hailing the fact that there is no "I" in team, you’ll be glad to know that the coast is clear so now you can go out and find a honey-bun…just be careful of the sticky ones!

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
Okay water-bearer, it’s time to toss your wet-blanket, worry-wart friends and find the love of your life. Venus and Mars, planets more commonly known as cosmic lovers of the zodiac are in sync, thank goodness. All of which means that you’ll have more mad money in your pocket, more self-confidence to slay a dragon or two, and inner peace in your life so you can enjoy the merits of sleep-walking for a change. Now’s the best time to play "spin the bottle"; after all, it’s a great game of chance and a wonderful way to meet pucker-powered people!

PISCES (19 February – 20 March)
Pisces may be a wonderful water sign, but that’s no reason for you to hang out with funny fish all the time. In fact, since Neptune rules your sign, and your sign rules your feet, perhaps you’ll meet your soul mate while walking on water or dancing in a dinghy. On the other hand, if you like swimming, sailing, snorkeling and taking long walks along the beach, you may bump into your bosom buddy when you least expect it! Go for it you ripsnorting rudderless romantic!

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE WACKIEST WATER-BEARING WUNDERKIN IN THE WORLD!

Happy Birthday to Sassy Seagoats!

2010 has already begun and all our snickering sun signs want to know what’s store for them?

2010 is the "Year of the Tiger", according to the Chinese astrological calendar. And if you don’t usually hang out with a Tiger unless you’re watching the golf channel, then maybe you’d like to celebrate 2010 "International Year of Communications", "International Year for the Rapprochment of Cultures", "International Year of Biodiversity", or "International Year of the Nurse".

And a very big Happy Birthday to all you Crazy Capricorns who love colorful food, presents wrapped in magical paper, and membership in exclusive clubs. But, whatever you do, never accuse them of being untidy, make them feel useless, or embarrass them in public or you may live to regret ever having encountered this rather ripsnorting ruminant!

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
You’ll need all the help you can get this year. Your best bet is to grab a tiger by the tail. On the other hand, maybe a stuffed pussy cat is a whole lot safer for a ram like you. Failing that, you could take up knitting, (along with 60 million other Americans), and learn how to do the subversive cross-stitch not to mention make nice nose or willie warmers.

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
This is your year to shine in the fast lane of life. Your best bet is to forget about munching grass on the golf course this year. Frankly, you really don’t want to mess with a tee’d off Tiger do you? Why not befriend a Whatnottian Warthog, NowWhattian Boghog, or a Wassup Wunderkin — blessed be diversity! "

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
Since you have an insatiable curiosity about everything, and adore getting your fingers into all manner of strange things, why not explore far-flung places like the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe" which is featuring Ripsnorting Roadkill this month – barbecued boghogs or Perfectly Normal Beasts…large charging sort of animals, a bit like cows, bulls or buffalos that are perfectly safe to swallow.

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)
Being a crab in the "Year of the Tiger" is a pretty scary thing as you’re most likely to be consumed by this crafty critter for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you could end up being featured in next month’s Ripsnorting Roadkill menu at the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe". At least learn to pray for your salvation, The Big Bopper may take pity on you.

LEO (23 July – 22 August)
Being in the limelight and showing off is right up your alley, along with complaining about not getting enough strokes from funny folks. But this year is different, you’ll have to take a backseat to a sometimes surly if not striped species. What do you mean you don’t want to share the stage with Tony the Tiger? Have another bowl of frosted flakes and kindly shut up!

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
Being an earthy sort, you’re going to get along just fine with all tigers running around on your back forty this year. Who better than you to organize a terrific Tiger Tooth party. Don’t forget to invite all the Eyore eyesores and William wet-blankets you know, your guest of honor will enjoy the opportunity to feast upon them.

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
Being the "windbag of the universe" has certain advantages, and this year is no exception. This is an excellent time to write a profound "Think and Do Book" in honor of the Tiger…yes, that truculent toed type whom you would like to banish to the nearest zoo. Suck it up, show some tact, and say something nice for change airhead!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
The good news this year is that astronomers have finally recognized that all the problems of the universe can be laid squarely at the feet of Pluto, the powerhouse behind your sassy sun sign. The bad news is that since the Easter Bunny and Great Pumpkin are on holidays this year, you’re pretty much on your own…up shit creek without a paddle or a canoe and a damn tiger on your tail!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November – 22 December)
Besides boring barnyard animals with your endless stream of questions, you also have a knack for fluffing the punchline of jokes which will, unfortunately, not endear you to the star of this year’s barnyard birthday party, the Tiger. Toss your tactless traits and cutting sarcasm, and share your favorite teddy bear, beer or blanket with a Tiger for pity’s sake!

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
Thank goodness this birthday babe or boy has harmonious relationships with heffalumps. However the same cannot be said of Tigers. The bad news is your slave-driving, status-seeking seagoat behavior, not to mention your tendency to believe that your way is always the best is likely to offend the Tiger…and you don’t want that do you!

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
You’re going to have to expand your friendships this year beyond the ususal water-carrier wet-blankets who gather around you. Being a fixed air sign of the zodiac, you’re prone to paragliding and paradiddling when the spirit moves you. Beware of wayward winds emanating from feistry, four-legged furry things with stripes, they can be deadly!

__________
 

Seasons Greetings from Saggitarius!

Image Credit: Poison Tart at flickr.com

By Daphne Druthers, a diva of delightful detritus and humorous horoscopes — to fill the urgent need for gleeful greetings in that  heavenly ho-ho-ho holiday time of year!

No doubt some of you are counting down til Christmas, maxing out your credit card, and enjoying lots of ho ho ho and good times.

For the rest of you, it’s just another regular month at the elf factory, feeding the reindeer, and compiling an ever-growing list from everyone and their dog about what they want to see beneath the tree.

It’s definitely devil-may-care December, so let’s see what this merry month has in store for you! Besides, who ever met a Saggitarian Santa Claus who wasn’t shooting himself in the foot, shooting his mouth off at every opportunity, or disappearing faster than a shooting star when the holiday dishes have to be done!

Aries (21 March – 19 April)
The good news is that your favorite colors are red, black and white…which means that you might just get a call from your employer to be Santa Claus this year. The bad news is that your bossy, brash, and bellicose behavior typical of the Ram, will not endear you to other meal-mouthed members of the zodiac who will be at the party. But hey, there’s room enough for everyone at the party, so put on your fire-engine red tights or spandex suit, a flashy white stetson hat, and a pair black boots or stilettos with silver spurs because there’s a new kid coming to town!

Taurus (20 April – 20 May)
Some have called you "pleasingly plump" but that does not qualify you as Santa Claus. The good news is that you’re compact and sturdy, the bad news is that one wants an opinionated stubborn beast of burden to pull Santa’s sleigh and put the reindeer out of work! Just strut your stuff anyway, and take pride in your large or broad feet.

Gemini (21 May – 20 June)
You may be dexterous, nimble and light-footed enough to pull Santa’s sleigh, but let’s face it blabbermouth, your split personality, not to mention your impractical, impatient and irritable traits would drive the other reindeer round the bend! Stick to what you do best, inspecting the quality of products produced by good-natured, vertically-challenged figments of your imagination. Remember, Santa loves your inner imp…so get cracking on the Christmas list!

Cancer (21 June – 22 July)
Though your favorite colors are yellow-orange and indigo, trust me, this month you’re going to have to make friends with red. The good news is that your broad shoulders and broad build mean you’ll look great in a Santa suit. But, moody disposition and inability to handle minor insults probably won’t go down well with those testy little tikes who want to bounce on your knee and pull your white beard for all it’s worth. Your best bet might be to hang out beneath the mistletoe just avoid the frogs and toads or other clinging creatures.

Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Look Leo, everyone knows you’re king of the animal kingdom and love to show off, but Christmas is coming and you’re going to have to shove off. It’s time for Santa to take center stage along with his ripsnorting reindeer, so suck it up and quit sulking! The good news is that with your strong voice, you’ll fit righ in with the choir somewhere. And, when you’re singing "Good King Wencelas" you’ll know that thankfully not every monarch is a pain in the butt!

Virgo (23 August – 22 September)
Some have said that your cranium may seem too big in comparison with your face. Now don’t be upset, it doesn’t mean you have a swelled head…that belongs to Santa Claus this month! Frankly, although you’re witty and charming, knowledgeable, and helpful which means you could easily fill in for Santa while he takes a bathroom break, your scathing criticism of lazybones and layabouts, not to mention your nervous habits and cranky disposition will probably not endear you to the kids, or their parents for that matter. Your shrewd logical thought however makes you an ideal companion at any Christmas party full of spin-doctors and windbags.

Libra (23 September – 22 October)
The fact that you’re cooperative, sincere and charming means you might make an ideal Santa. However, your obsession with your favorite colors – green, purple, and pink not to mention your insistence that they form the basis of your Christmas suit means that you are not destined for a seat on the throne this year. Furthermore your infatuation with elephants instead of reindeer probably wouldn’t endear you to your employer. Stay away from loud arguments, confused situations, and sloppiness…better take a pass on a holiday meal with the family!

Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)
The good news is that your favorite colors are deep red, and blue-green which means you might become the highly decorated chief bottle-washer at your family holiday gathering. While you’re a passionately caring soul with a magnetic personality, your obstinate, moody, if not intolerant qualities would probably not get you in the door at a Santa Claus party. Your best bet might be to hang out with Scrooge or the Grinch this year!

Saggitarius (21 November – 22 December)
Frankly, you’re in luck this month. Any creature that’s half horse and half homo-sapien certainly doesn’t qualify to be Santa Claus! The fact that you’re happy-go-lucky, hold-no-grudges and are hugely optimistic probably means that you still believe in Santa Claus (unlike some members of the zodiac). The bad news is that your ineptness, preachiness, and inability to plan adequately means that organizing your own Christmas party will be a disaster. Your best bet is to dress up like an elf and crash someone’s party…make sure you eat lots of cake with candles on top — it’s your birthday after all!

Capricorn (22 December – 19 January)
Who’da thought a sea-goat who’s as hard-working, realistic, and respectful of authority as you would be the proud owner of devil tarot card? So what tricks will you be up to this Christmas…eating all Santa’s milk and cookies, leaving lumps of coal in kids stockings, or showing up as the Grinch at your workplace party? Avoid Aries, Cancer, and Libra folks, they don’t share your keen interest playing hopscotch, visiting the Museum of Bad Art, or playing chess with the Mad Hatter.

Aquarius (20 January – 18 February)
While you may be the water-carrier of the zodiac, at Christmas time, most folks would prefer that carry a bottle of fine red wine, a dozen beer, or a flask of single malt scotch to their Christmas party and share in a bit of good cheer! Of course being a perverse and eccentric individual, not to mention having a voyeuristic curiosity about people means you’ll fit right in with Scrooge, the Grinch, not to mention those merry-minded, mythical, vertically-challenged creatures better known as ‘elves’. Your violet and light yellow elf outfit means you’ll stand out in this very odd crowd…happy ho ho ho!

What’s In Store For Nutty November?

Image Credit: Scorpio image at AllPosters.com

By Daphne Druthers, an amusing astrologer with a witty if not wonky view of life

Well, this month everyone will be pleased to know that sultry, secretive Scorpio is swimming in her own gene pool for a change,(which means the rest of us can dog-paddle to our heart’s content!)

Overall, Pluto moving into Capricorn (2008-2023) is going to mean a few fireworks…and the big picture will never be the same again…yee-haw!

Aries (21 March – 19 April)
Your ambition to become top dog is laudable, but this month you might want to let sleeping dogs lie. Remember, never take your boss’s bone unless you want to spend the rest of your life in a very dilapidated dog-house.

Taurus (20 April – 20 May)
Clearly bulls don’t give a sweet tweet about china shops or matadors for that matter. This month when things are coming to a head, don’t waste your time trying to be sitting bull in a bear market, it’s bad for your health and happiness. Change your strategy and become a raging bull in a briar patch!

Gemini (21 May – 20 June)
Since you have a quick mind, are nimble on your feet and capable of speaking out of both sides of your mouth at the same time, have you ever considered a career change to become knife-throwing circus clown or a back-stabbing politician? Don’t jeapardize this odd opportunity of a lifetime!

Cancer (21 June – 22 July)
You’ve been juggling a lot of balls in the air lately which is great if you’re in the baking, catering, or confectionary business…or heaven forbid, the circus. But, as fate would have it, you’re likely to drop them when you really shouldn’t. So, wipe those tears away and befriend a crab or turtle this month. After all, it’s better than going into the garden and eating worms isn’t it?

Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Leo is not known to pout or use a pity pot like the rest of the zodiac’s unusual inhabitants like bog hogs and heffalumps. So, if you need to show off this month and let your mane down, feel free to do so you frisky feline! Just do it in the right place at the right time with the right partner…(aren’t you glad that all the ghouls and gargoyles have decided to take a long winter’s nap!)

Virgo (23 August – 22 September)
Since 2005, you’ve been playing in a new sandbox, creating a new world and a new identity for yourself besides the familiar cranky, irritable dogmatic and untidy creature that everyone tries to avoid. Hmmm…do you really think it’s a good idea to dance naked in front of your neighbor’s parrot, or paint your house pink with purple poka dots? Your addition of naughty garden gnomes to your garden may be a friendly gesture, but toss the plastic petunias the birds and bees are complaining!

Libra (23 September – 22 October)
You’ve been getting a little rebellious lately…that’s really strange coming from someone who knows all about being fearful, lazy, overbearing and self-centered. Time to put your pet-peeves aside and join the Meditative Munching & Navel-Gazing Society to work out the kinks in your argumentative, fickle, narcissistic and life!

Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)
Yup, it’s time to take a deep dive into your own gene pool for a change …and quit complaining about the temperature for pity’s sake. By the way, why not enjoy the opportunity to prance around in your birthday suit this month…just remember to see who is in the peanut gallery before you doff your duds! On second thought, scratch swimming around in frigging pool, consider taking in a champagne bath where you can blow all your troubles (or bubbles) away.

Saggitarius (21 November – 22 December)
Life is all about falling off a horse and getting right back up on it again. So, forget about demanding to see the horse’s teeth before you saddle up and buy him. Let’s face it, you’re no Lady Godiva…perhaps it’s better you just dig into a box of chocolates and add a few more calories to your colourful personality.

Capricorn (22 December – 19 January)
It’s regrettable that your educational trip to the local landfill didn’t pan out last month. Your quiet, unflappable nature will undoubtedly come in handy when fighting alligators in the swamp at work or crocadiles in the quagmire at home (which will be the only form of entertaining exercise you’ll get this month — yee-haw!)

Aquarius (20 January – 18 February)
If you want to be the captain of your own fate and master of your soul, you’re going to have to learn to paddle upstream without an oar or a canoe not to mention a handy-dandy life-jacket. On second thought, since you’re a bit of an airhead, maybe it’s time to take a ride in a hot-air ballon. But you can forget about demanding a golden parachute, just grab the nearest bumbershoot to cushion your crash landing!

Zodiac Zonkers – It’s Outrageous October!

By Daphne Druthers, an amusing astrologer with way too much time on her hands 

Image Credit: Poison Tart at flickr.com

Hilarious Humorscopes for Silly September

Who The Heck Is Daphne Druthers?

WHO THE HECK IS DAPHNE DRUTHERS? 

Hilarious Humorscopes – August

Image Credit: therussians!!![at]flickr.com

Okay, so you haven’t got a hot clue about how to read tea leaves, tarot cards, or the enigmatic entrails of strange animals including amusing ardvaarks, disgruntled dodo birds, or belligerent boghogs. But fess up, every now and then, you really do glance furtively at your horoscope don’t you?

Daphne Druthers, (author and co-founder of the "Astroblast Friends Network") shares her zodiac zonking insights in what makes this month mirthful and truly dysFUNctional! Advice given in this column should be taken with either a grain of salt, a dash of Tabasco Brand hot pepper sauce/Worcester sauce mixed with vodka on ice (minus that wimpy celery stalk and wedge of left-over lime), or a shot of virgin Clamato juice on the rocks!

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
The good news is that you share the same sun sign as a world-renowned muscian named J.S. Bach. The bad news is he’s deader than a door nail and he’d probably roll over in his grave if he knew you hadn’t a hot clue about his "Well-Tempered Clavier" or "The Art of the Fugue" let alone how to maintain an organ or play a harpsicord. On the other hand, you’d be pleased to know that he was "incompletely successful" like you, (he failed an audition for an organist’s post at Sangerhausen), while you are destined to bungle, botch up, and be the butt of every joke in town this month. Whoever said life’s a picnic got it wrong…what a bummer!

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
Aren’t you glad that you share a sun sign, not to mention an abiding interest in flakes and nuts, with a famous person like Sigmund Freud? That probably accounts for why you’re boring, insensitive, obstinate, materialistic, slow-moving, self-indulgent and prone to sitting far too long in front of pondering pools trying to figure out how to get out of the rut you’re in or whether you should pick up a bottle of "Raging Bull" wine for dinner. This month your usual artistic flair, good sense of time, and gentle placid demeanor will backfire. Avoid china shops, red flags, and opinionated oxen at all costs. Cheer up, things could be a lot worse!

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
Like Queen Victoria, with whom you share a scintillating sun sign, you are not amused with life or "the whole ball of wax", nor do you like wasting time, listening to endless complaints and being kept waiting, any more than you do being left alone in the dark, stranded up the creek without a paddle, or having to concentrate on only one thing for a long time which frankly boggles your munchkin mind. The good news it’s a great month for working on a problem. After all, you’re fantastic when it comes to making mountains out of molehills! Oh the joys of being the most impractical, impatient and irritable sign of the zany zodiac!!

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)
You’ll be pleased to know that you and one of the major fiction writers of the 20th century, Franz Kafka, both share the same sun sign and an apparent interest in the hopelessness and absurdity of life as a cranky crab. Aren’t you glad you don’t suffer from clinical depression and social anxiety not to mention migraines, insomnia, constipation, boils, and other ailments, all usually brought on by excessive stresses associated with the metaphysical quest for God? Exercise your sense of curiosity like Kafka; try dating a Beach Bunny or Summer Santa. By the way, watch out for all those marvellous margaritas…they’re wicked when wet!

LEO (23 July – 22 August)
Oh joy, you share the same sun sign as that famous feline finagler, cunning clothing-optional character, and sexy, 20th century super-spy, "Mata Hari". This probably accounts for why you have a keen interest in baubles, bangles, beads and bejewelled bras. Now if only you could tone down your tendency to cut off others at the knees, refrain from taking undue credit for the work of others, and quit sulking when you don’t get your way, the rest of the dirty rascals in the barnyard of life might atually hang out with you and let you in on how to play "Kick the Can" this month. Whatever you do, wear yellow and orange and you’ll be a cool cat!

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
You share a good deal in common with Greta Garbo, the Swedish-born 20th century silent-film actress. You’re both entertaining enigmas and inscrutable, intriguing figures who adore bats, porcupines and mink with a tendency to be dogmatic, untidy, and a tad eccentric but always the wise investor. The good news is that this month, like Greta, you’ll be taking long walks through the streets of some big city, dressed casually and wearing large sunglasses doing who knows what. The bad news is that you’ll be hounded not by the papparazzi but by a man in blue issuing you a summons for jay-walking. Tsk, tsk…shame on you!

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
While some see Libra as an "airhead" or worse yet, a "hot-air" enthusiast, take heart because you share the spotlight with a famous fellow sun sign, the 19th century Irish author, playwright and poet, Oscar Wilde. And, as the witty wordsmith says, "Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much". So, this month, you’re going to send all your foes and nemeses an amusing arrangement of colorful, long-stemmed plastic roses or a beautiful bouquet of dried (dreadfully dead) flowers with an accompanying sincere, tersely worded apology printed with the hand of a five-year old on a garrish pink post-it-note. Oh what fun!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
As the French satirist Voltaire once said: "The opportunity for doing mischief is found a hundred times a day, and of doing good once in a year." And since both of you were born under the Scorpio sun sign, and agree that mischief makes the world go round, it’s definitely time to engage in a few pranks if not prick a few balloons. Forget about the "whoopee cushion"; few folks sit down long enough these days to make it fun! How about that rubber worm in that fresh garden green salad to freak out those vegetarians? If that doesn’t work, invite friends over and serve them roasted rubber chicken and heffalulump hobs. Only 98 to go!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November – 22 December)
Like your fellow sun sign says: "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way" — Mark Twain, the 19th century American writer and humorist. This suggests that firing a bow and arrow on horseback can be dangerous if one is hot-headed, as well as blundering and inept, which is often the case with Saggitarians. The good news is that you’re going on an adventure and can take your teddy bear along. The bad news is that you’re going to come back with bumps, buises and cuts because you won’t sit still long enough to put on a hard-hat, steel-toed boots and a safety harness. Poor little widdums.

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
Capricorn is most often associated with the goat or the donkey. You share the same sun sign as Edgar Allan Poe, the 19th century American writer, poet, editor and literary critic. Your keen interest in horror and humor not to mention mystery and the macabre makes you a bit of a "mad genius" (which is probably fine because most folks don’t know how to handle your gloomy grimmaces, your general ennui about the life of a gnat, not to mention your tendency to believe that your way is always the best way to fillet a fish or skin a rabbit). This month you’ll be joining Eeyore in the annual summer scavenger hunt to find his wretched tail.

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
You’re the "water carrier" sign, like Jules Verne, the 19th century science-fiction novelist who wrote "20,000 Leagues under the Sea". It’s also probably why you’re constantly complaining about the weather — which is always too hot, too cold, too humid or too dry for your comfort. No wonder you spend most of your life crying out loud in the wilderness that’s too wet, crying in your beer that’s too warm, or crying over spilled milk and cold porridge. This month you’re gonna stop snivelling, suck it up, and smile even if it kills you Snookums! So, how about a ripsnorting round of croquet, tiddlywinks, and hop-scotch to get you off your butt?

PISCES (19 February – 20 March)
The good news is that you have a lot in common with Michelangelo, the 16th century Italian Renaissance painter, sculptor, architect, poet, and engineer. The bad news is that you’re a fish out of water when it comes to art, (unless of course you count doodling or painting by numbers as art). While you excel at connecting the dots, your dotting of i’s and crossing t’s leaves a lot to be desired, and throwing a hammer isn’t a skill unless you’re a Scotsman. So this month you’ll be spending most of it outdoors: responding to the call of nature in the woods, improving your rosk-frosting skills, or learning how to dig a one-sit hole in the bush!

Astrology – Contests – Birthdays/Celebrations

This is the "Fun" page of MyJamesBay.com where you can tickle your funnybone, figure out whether you should go heffalump hunting during a Mercury retrograde, or just blow up balloons and buy a big Devil’s Food cake to celebrate your birthday or graduation from the College of Creative Loafing.