Happy Birthday to the Wackiest Water-Bearing Wunderkin in the World!

 

February: A month of fun & frolic!

 IT’S FREAKIN’ FUNKY FEBRUARY!

Happy Birthday to Sassy Seagoats!

2010 has already begun and all our snickering sun signs want to know what’s store for them?

2010 is the "Year of the Tiger", according to the Chinese astrological calendar. And if you don’t usually hang out with a Tiger unless you’re watching the golf channel, then maybe you’d like to celebrate 2010 "International Year of Communications", "International Year for the Rapprochment of Cultures", "International Year of Biodiversity", or "International Year of the Nurse".

And a very big Happy Birthday to all you Crazy Capricorns who love colorful food, presents wrapped in magical paper, and membership in exclusive clubs. But, whatever you do, never accuse them of being untidy, make them feel useless, or embarrass them in public or you may live to regret ever having encountered this rather ripsnorting ruminant!

ARIES (21 March – 19 April)
You’ll need all the help you can get this year. Your best bet is to grab a tiger by the tail. On the other hand, maybe a stuffed pussy cat is a whole lot safer for a ram like you. Failing that, you could take up knitting, (along with 60 million other Americans), and learn how to do the subversive cross-stitch not to mention make nice nose or willie warmers.

TAURUS (20 April – 20 May)
This is your year to shine in the fast lane of life. Your best bet is to forget about munching grass on the golf course this year. Frankly, you really don’t want to mess with a tee’d off Tiger do you? Why not befriend a Whatnottian Warthog, NowWhattian Boghog, or a Wassup Wunderkin — blessed be diversity! "

GEMINI (21 May – 20 June)
Since you have an insatiable curiosity about everything, and adore getting your fingers into all manner of strange things, why not explore far-flung places like the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe" which is featuring Ripsnorting Roadkill this month – barbecued boghogs or Perfectly Normal Beasts…large charging sort of animals, a bit like cows, bulls or buffalos that are perfectly safe to swallow.

CANCER (21 June – 22 July)
Being a crab in the "Year of the Tiger" is a pretty scary thing as you’re most likely to be consumed by this crafty critter for breakfast, lunch or dinner. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you could end up being featured in next month’s Ripsnorting Roadkill menu at the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe". At least learn to pray for your salvation, The Big Bopper may take pity on you.

LEO (23 July – 22 August)
Being in the limelight and showing off is right up your alley, along with complaining about not getting enough strokes from funny folks. But this year is different, you’ll have to take a backseat to a sometimes surly if not striped species. What do you mean you don’t want to share the stage with Tony the Tiger? Have another bowl of frosted flakes and kindly shut up!

VIRGO (23 August – 22 September)
Being an earthy sort, you’re going to get along just fine with all tigers running around on your back forty this year. Who better than you to organize a terrific Tiger Tooth party. Don’t forget to invite all the Eyore eyesores and William wet-blankets you know, your guest of honor will enjoy the opportunity to feast upon them.

LIBRA (23 September – 22 October)
Being the "windbag of the universe" has certain advantages, and this year is no exception. This is an excellent time to write a profound "Think and Do Book" in honor of the Tiger…yes, that truculent toed type whom you would like to banish to the nearest zoo. Suck it up, show some tact, and say something nice for change airhead!

SCORPIO (23 October – 21 November)
The good news this year is that astronomers have finally recognized that all the problems of the universe can be laid squarely at the feet of Pluto, the powerhouse behind your sassy sun sign. The bad news is that since the Easter Bunny and Great Pumpkin are on holidays this year, you’re pretty much on your own…up shit creek without a paddle or a canoe and a damn tiger on your tail!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November – 22 December)
Besides boring barnyard animals with your endless stream of questions, you also have a knack for fluffing the punchline of jokes which will, unfortunately, not endear you to the star of this year’s barnyard birthday party, the Tiger. Toss your tactless traits and cutting sarcasm, and share your favorite teddy bear, beer or blanket with a Tiger for pity’s sake!

CAPRICORN (22 December – 19 January)
Thank goodness this birthday babe or boy has harmonious relationships with heffalumps. However the same cannot be said of Tigers. The bad news is your slave-driving, status-seeking seagoat behavior, not to mention your tendency to believe that your way is always the best is likely to offend the Tiger…and you don’t want that do you!

AQUARIUS (20 January – 18 February)
You’re going to have to expand your friendships this year beyond the ususal water-carrier wet-blankets who gather around you. Being a fixed air sign of the zodiac, you’re prone to paragliding and paradiddling when the spirit moves you. Beware of wayward winds emanating from feistry, four-legged furry things with stripes, they can be deadly!

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Seasons Greetings from Saggitarius!

Image Credit: Poison Tart at flickr.com

By Daphne Druthers, a diva of delightful detritus and humorous horoscopes — to fill the urgent need for gleeful greetings in that  heavenly ho-ho-ho holiday time of year!

No doubt some of you are counting down til Christmas, maxing out your credit card, and enjoying lots of ho ho ho and good times.

For the rest of you, it’s just another regular month at the elf factory, feeding the reindeer, and compiling an ever-growing list from everyone and their dog about what they want to see beneath the tree.

It’s definitely devil-may-care December, so let’s see what this merry month has in store for you! Besides, who ever met a Saggitarian Santa Claus who wasn’t shooting himself in the foot, shooting his mouth off at every opportunity, or disappearing faster than a shooting star when the holiday dishes have to be done!

Aries (21 March – 19 April)
The good news is that your favorite colors are red, black and white…which means that you might just get a call from your employer to be Santa Claus this year. The bad news is that your bossy, brash, and bellicose behavior typical of the Ram, will not endear you to other meal-mouthed members of the zodiac who will be at the party. But hey, there’s room enough for everyone at the party, so put on your fire-engine red tights or spandex suit, a flashy white stetson hat, and a pair black boots or stilettos with silver spurs because there’s a new kid coming to town!

Taurus (20 April – 20 May)
Some have called you "pleasingly plump" but that does not qualify you as Santa Claus. The good news is that you’re compact and sturdy, the bad news is that one wants an opinionated stubborn beast of burden to pull Santa’s sleigh and put the reindeer out of work! Just strut your stuff anyway, and take pride in your large or broad feet.

Gemini (21 May – 20 June)
You may be dexterous, nimble and light-footed enough to pull Santa’s sleigh, but let’s face it blabbermouth, your split personality, not to mention your impractical, impatient and irritable traits would drive the other reindeer round the bend! Stick to what you do best, inspecting the quality of products produced by good-natured, vertically-challenged figments of your imagination. Remember, Santa loves your inner imp…so get cracking on the Christmas list!

Cancer (21 June – 22 July)
Though your favorite colors are yellow-orange and indigo, trust me, this month you’re going to have to make friends with red. The good news is that your broad shoulders and broad build mean you’ll look great in a Santa suit. But, moody disposition and inability to handle minor insults probably won’t go down well with those testy little tikes who want to bounce on your knee and pull your white beard for all it’s worth. Your best bet might be to hang out beneath the mistletoe just avoid the frogs and toads or other clinging creatures.

Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Look Leo, everyone knows you’re king of the animal kingdom and love to show off, but Christmas is coming and you’re going to have to shove off. It’s time for Santa to take center stage along with his ripsnorting reindeer, so suck it up and quit sulking! The good news is that with your strong voice, you’ll fit righ in with the choir somewhere. And, when you’re singing "Good King Wencelas" you’ll know that thankfully not every monarch is a pain in the butt!

Virgo (23 August – 22 September)
Some have said that your cranium may seem too big in comparison with your face. Now don’t be upset, it doesn’t mean you have a swelled head…that belongs to Santa Claus this month! Frankly, although you’re witty and charming, knowledgeable, and helpful which means you could easily fill in for Santa while he takes a bathroom break, your scathing criticism of lazybones and layabouts, not to mention your nervous habits and cranky disposition will probably not endear you to the kids, or their parents for that matter. Your shrewd logical thought however makes you an ideal companion at any Christmas party full of spin-doctors and windbags.

Libra (23 September – 22 October)
The fact that you’re cooperative, sincere and charming means you might make an ideal Santa. However, your obsession with your favorite colors – green, purple, and pink not to mention your insistence that they form the basis of your Christmas suit means that you are not destined for a seat on the throne this year. Furthermore your infatuation with elephants instead of reindeer probably wouldn’t endear you to your employer. Stay away from loud arguments, confused situations, and sloppiness…better take a pass on a holiday meal with the family!

Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)
The good news is that your favorite colors are deep red, and blue-green which means you might become the highly decorated chief bottle-washer at your family holiday gathering. While you’re a passionately caring soul with a magnetic personality, your obstinate, moody, if not intolerant qualities would probably not get you in the door at a Santa Claus party. Your best bet might be to hang out with Scrooge or the Grinch this year!

Saggitarius (21 November – 22 December)
Frankly, you’re in luck this month. Any creature that’s half horse and half homo-sapien certainly doesn’t qualify to be Santa Claus! The fact that you’re happy-go-lucky, hold-no-grudges and are hugely optimistic probably means that you still believe in Santa Claus (unlike some members of the zodiac). The bad news is that your ineptness, preachiness, and inability to plan adequately means that organizing your own Christmas party will be a disaster. Your best bet is to dress up like an elf and crash someone’s party…make sure you eat lots of cake with candles on top — it’s your birthday after all!

Capricorn (22 December – 19 January)
Who’da thought a sea-goat who’s as hard-working, realistic, and respectful of authority as you would be the proud owner of devil tarot card? So what tricks will you be up to this Christmas…eating all Santa’s milk and cookies, leaving lumps of coal in kids stockings, or showing up as the Grinch at your workplace party? Avoid Aries, Cancer, and Libra folks, they don’t share your keen interest playing hopscotch, visiting the Museum of Bad Art, or playing chess with the Mad Hatter.

Aquarius (20 January – 18 February)
While you may be the water-carrier of the zodiac, at Christmas time, most folks would prefer that carry a bottle of fine red wine, a dozen beer, or a flask of single malt scotch to their Christmas party and share in a bit of good cheer! Of course being a perverse and eccentric individual, not to mention having a voyeuristic curiosity about people means you’ll fit right in with Scrooge, the Grinch, not to mention those merry-minded, mythical, vertically-challenged creatures better known as ‘elves’. Your violet and light yellow elf outfit means you’ll stand out in this very odd crowd…happy ho ho ho!

Funny Food For Thought

Image Credit: Anne Taintor

And now a word from a Dreadful Domesticated Damsel in Distress and Kooky Kitchen Klutz, Hermione Catastrophe (who thankfully has never been asked to contribute a recipe to the James Bay Beacon Newspaper, but who if asked, would respond as follows)

Dear Friends of Food,

I sincerely appreciate your invitation to join your recipe exchange list. 

What’s In Store For Nutty November?

Image Credit: Scorpio image at AllPosters.com

By Daphne Druthers, an amusing astrologer with a witty if not wonky view of life

Well, this month everyone will be pleased to know that sultry, secretive Scorpio is swimming in her own gene pool for a change,(which means the rest of us can dog-paddle to our heart’s content!)

Overall, Pluto moving into Capricorn (2008-2023) is going to mean a few fireworks…and the big picture will never be the same again…yee-haw!

Aries (21 March – 19 April)
Your ambition to become top dog is laudable, but this month you might want to let sleeping dogs lie. Remember, never take your boss’s bone unless you want to spend the rest of your life in a very dilapidated dog-house.

Taurus (20 April – 20 May)
Clearly bulls don’t give a sweet tweet about china shops or matadors for that matter. This month when things are coming to a head, don’t waste your time trying to be sitting bull in a bear market, it’s bad for your health and happiness. Change your strategy and become a raging bull in a briar patch!

Gemini (21 May – 20 June)
Since you have a quick mind, are nimble on your feet and capable of speaking out of both sides of your mouth at the same time, have you ever considered a career change to become knife-throwing circus clown or a back-stabbing politician? Don’t jeapardize this odd opportunity of a lifetime!

Cancer (21 June – 22 July)
You’ve been juggling a lot of balls in the air lately which is great if you’re in the baking, catering, or confectionary business…or heaven forbid, the circus. But, as fate would have it, you’re likely to drop them when you really shouldn’t. So, wipe those tears away and befriend a crab or turtle this month. After all, it’s better than going into the garden and eating worms isn’t it?

Leo (23 July – 22 August)
Leo is not known to pout or use a pity pot like the rest of the zodiac’s unusual inhabitants like bog hogs and heffalumps. So, if you need to show off this month and let your mane down, feel free to do so you frisky feline! Just do it in the right place at the right time with the right partner…(aren’t you glad that all the ghouls and gargoyles have decided to take a long winter’s nap!)

Virgo (23 August – 22 September)
Since 2005, you’ve been playing in a new sandbox, creating a new world and a new identity for yourself besides the familiar cranky, irritable dogmatic and untidy creature that everyone tries to avoid. Hmmm…do you really think it’s a good idea to dance naked in front of your neighbor’s parrot, or paint your house pink with purple poka dots? Your addition of naughty garden gnomes to your garden may be a friendly gesture, but toss the plastic petunias the birds and bees are complaining!

Libra (23 September – 22 October)
You’ve been getting a little rebellious lately…that’s really strange coming from someone who knows all about being fearful, lazy, overbearing and self-centered. Time to put your pet-peeves aside and join the Meditative Munching & Navel-Gazing Society to work out the kinks in your argumentative, fickle, narcissistic and life!

Scorpio (23 October – 21 November)
Yup, it’s time to take a deep dive into your own gene pool for a change …and quit complaining about the temperature for pity’s sake. By the way, why not enjoy the opportunity to prance around in your birthday suit this month…just remember to see who is in the peanut gallery before you doff your duds! On second thought, scratch swimming around in frigging pool, consider taking in a champagne bath where you can blow all your troubles (or bubbles) away.

Saggitarius (21 November – 22 December)
Life is all about falling off a horse and getting right back up on it again. So, forget about demanding to see the horse’s teeth before you saddle up and buy him. Let’s face it, you’re no Lady Godiva…perhaps it’s better you just dig into a box of chocolates and add a few more calories to your colourful personality.

Capricorn (22 December – 19 January)
It’s regrettable that your educational trip to the local landfill didn’t pan out last month. Your quiet, unflappable nature will undoubtedly come in handy when fighting alligators in the swamp at work or crocadiles in the quagmire at home (which will be the only form of entertaining exercise you’ll get this month — yee-haw!)

Aquarius (20 January – 18 February)
If you want to be the captain of your own fate and master of your soul, you’re going to have to learn to paddle upstream without an oar or a canoe not to mention a handy-dandy life-jacket. On second thought, since you’re a bit of an airhead, maybe it’s time to take a ride in a hot-air ballon. But you can forget about demanding a golden parachute, just grab the nearest bumbershoot to cushion your crash landing!

You Definitely Need Some Therapy!

Frankly, what’s not to like about lying back on a couch without a crazy counsellor in sight just sipping the subtle taste of a ripsnorting red or wacky white wine — made by the fruity folks from Therapy Vineyards in Naramata, British Columbia!

Yup, at Sips Artisan Bistro and Spinnakers Wine Merchants, you’ve got plenty to choose from:

Pink Freud (2008) — Freudian Sip (2008) — Freud’s Ego (2007) and SuperEgo (2007)

And, on Wednesday, November 4, 2009 from 2-4 pm…you won’t need an appointment to partake in this pleasant bit of free Therapy on the house. Guess what guys and gals, no one will mind if you dare to ask all the questions your little heart desires at this wonderful wine tasting event.

Oh and by the way, if you’re looking for someone to interpret your dreams…who knows, you might even find that special someone with white whiskers and a rustic red suit in the crowd! If not, keep your eyes peeled for those other merry males sipping merlot with members of James Bay’s one and only Wicked Wench Club (who are always seeking someone sexy to peel them a grape if you please!)

Ghosts, Goblins and Grannies

James Bay, (Victoria’s oldest neighborhood), is home to many ghosts, goblins, and grannies, some of whom live here all year round while others just drop by on special occasions like Halloween to raise a harmless bit of havoc, a minute morsel of mayhem, or perhaps a whole passel of pandemonium.

GHOSTS

By all accounts, there are plenty of ghosts to go around in James Bay. These amusing apparitions often make their appearance known to custodial staff hoping to catch a bit of shut-eye on the graveyard shift, individuals suffering from insomnia out for a midnight stroll, or imbibing imps inhabiting certain neighborhood parks where they expect to enjoy a few short snorts and snooze until the following morning.

However, due to severe budget cuts in the area of government transparency and Vital Statistics, the provincial authorities are no longer prepared to invest in services for seniors or the measurement of invisible incorporeal beings. Regretably, the federal government does not keep track of phantom figures whether in the budget or in  the population Census, so it is difficult to determine exactly how many ghosts make James Bay their home.

Judging from the number of ghost tours organized in the neighborhood of late, one might surmise that these spunky spirits tend to frequent happily haunted places such as the Gatsby Mansion Restaurant, the James Bay Inn, and Helmecken House (all of which are popular tourist traps).

GOBLINS

Goblins are mythical, mischievous munchins. Research reveals that the source of their dreadful dispositions may be attributed to the fact that Noah declined to offer them a spot on his ark to escape a frigging flood because they didn’t have cachet or strong collateral let alone impressive ivy-league credentials and an impeccable credit-rating.

As a consequence, it’s not surprising that these dreadfully-dressed diminutive damsels and dudes with extraordinarily large ears or long tails have resorted to wandering about puffing on pipes or cigarettes and finding temporary accommodation in mossy cracks in rocks and tree roots, while local politicians decide how to build a spanking new state-of-the-art multimillion suspension bridge for them live under, together with other dispossessed demons including ogres, trolls, and kelpies. 

Goblins come in any colour, but most prefer hideous hues such as green or brown. This is a handy thing to know, especially for the tree-huggers who are really keen on saving these environmentally-friendly endangered species, as opposed to the Sasquatch and Cadborsaurus (who although rarely seen aren’t worth saving because the latter critters can’t abide tipplers, tourists or tree-huggers).

Image Credit: Tony DiTerlizzi.com

It is difficult to estimate the number of goblins who frequent the neighborhood. Some are said to find the wet west coast winter climate to their liking, while others choose to drop by on an itinerant basis, particularly on Halloween.

Judging from the number of ghastly and sometimes giggling goblins appearing at the front door of the neighborhood’s 7,338 private dwellings on October 31 each year, it would appear that these entertaining elf-like creatures are more than welcome in James Bay, (in contrast to bogeymen who inhabit the lawns of legislature during political protests and bugbears who hang out in the loos where they enjoy frightening the knickers, briefs, or pants off humorless homo sapiens).

GRANNIES

Image Credit: J.W. Wagner, Hallmark Cards (Maxine.com)

According to official population statistics from the 2006 Census, the James Bay neighborhood is home to the highest proportion of grannies (grumpy or otherwise) in all of Victoria.

According to the James Bay Community Project, the medical clinic currently provides care to more than 2,650 patients, of whom 700 are over the age of 75. Due to patient confidentiality, they are not permitted to release the total number of grumpy grannies under the care of their physicians.

Image Credit: J.W. Wagner, Hallmark Cards (Maxine.com)

As entertaining elders of the tribe, grannies are given a wide berth…even wider on Halloween. Grumpy grannies, which comprise the largest suck-it-up segment of the experentially-enhanced population, are easy to spot. They’re the ones who think "trick-or-treaters are so cute…imagine them coming to my door expecting to get something for free."  

Image Credit: J.W. Wagner, Hallmark Cards (Maxine.com)

These boisterous biddies are more often than not given to hooting and howling on Halloween. After all, it’s the only legal time of the year they’re are entitled to do so, without someone suggesting that they be confined to a "supported living" residence with padlocked doors and windows!

 

 

 

Zodiac Zonkers – It’s Outrageous October!

By Daphne Druthers, an amusing astrologer with way too much time on her hands 

Image Credit: Poison Tart at flickr.com

Hilarious Humorscopes for Silly September

 

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